Moving forward

There have been a lot of changes to this blog, and it seems it is ever evolving.  I ceased blogging, and even removed past posts due to unintentionally hurt feelings.

I didn't know how to handle the mess that was created by my hands, and sought the advice of a counselor.  The counselor had me read an amazing book called The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz and we would discuss how I could apply these agreements.

1.  Be Impeccable with Your Word

2.  Don't Take Anything Personally- good or bad

3.  Don't Make Assumptions

4.  Always Do Your Best

"Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others."

We all have agreements or beliefs about ourselves.  Someone may say "I am fat," "I am not a good mother," "I am a bad singer."  Beliefs such as these typically can be traced back to an experience where the individual then engrained in their mind that this was the case.  In the book an example of a happy, vibrant 5 year old child is excited to see her mother, who had a long and tiring day at work.  The child is singing and laughing, and the mother to relieve her stress shouts to the child to stop singing because she has an awful voice.  The mother didn't mean it, but the girl made the agreement or set the belief in her head that she had a bad singing voice.  From this the child stopped singing, refusing to even try singing as she became older.  Other times, it can be a culmination of experiences.  I have agreements that I have made based on what others have said to me or to other people about me.  I am working hard to rid myself of these "agreements", to change my beliefs about myself.  I have gone back to the most basic premise that I am a child of God, a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me to then tackling the harder agreements of "I don't know how to love, I don't know what is love, I am a bad mother, an inadequate wife, I make others look bad by my good deeds..."(the list could go on).

In being impeccable or true to one's words, the power of these words should be used in the direction of truth and love.  In my application I try to use the rule of "if you can't say anything nicely don't say anything at all, this goes for writing as well."  I won't make disparaging or jokingly negative remarks about a politician, persons in my life.  It is my job to help shield them from emotional poison, by not being the one to spread.  In the recent April 2012 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said "We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and his children. God is our Father.  We are His children.  We are all brothers and sisters.  I don't know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick.  I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw.  It was attached to the back of a carof car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson.  It read "Don't judge me because I sin differently than you......Do I gossip even if it is true?"

Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering. 

We should all be so flattered if others did something because of ourselves, it is a natural ego response.  I have learned that when people say negative things (or even positive) to an individual, it is not because of that person, it is because of some insecurity (or self-pride) that they feel the need to project onto another person.  We have the power to reject these words, to hold it and say "Nope, I know who I am and what I am about.  I do not need these words to define who I am."  If we know who we are as individuals and the things we are capable of, then we, too, do not need positive reinforcement.  Know who you are without a doubt, be that person.

Don't Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

Many of life's misunderstandings stem from assumptions.  I am working through this very thing. Going back to Elder Uchtdorf's quote "We simply have to stop judging others."  Judging is a synonym for assumption.  I distinctly remember in 7th grade Social Studies, a classmate did some thing which led the teacher to assume the whole class had participated in the activity, only to find out that the classmate was the acted alone.  She said this "Assume is Ass (out of) U and Me."  When we judge a situation we know nothing about nor have the complete facts we walk away full of embarrassed, hurt, sadness, and unneeded drama, even worse a damaged relationship or ill-formed opinion.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret."

I love "your best is going to change from moment to moment."  Life is ever changing, and my best is going to be different than it was the day before or even the next day.  Sometimes, I will say "I did my best with what I was given, but tomorrow is a new day," especially if the outcome was not as I had hoped.  One of my four children will have a rough morning or day at school, and it could be 5 pm and I will say "there is still a lot of day left to do your best, and end on a high note, so let's do it together."

I am definitely trying to be more mindful of those around me.  Not that I am sullen, or withdrawn, afraid to make mistakes, instead I am moving forward with my head held high and a smile on my face.  Every day I try to do my best to not make assumptions, take anything personally (good or bad), and be impeccable with my word to myself and those around me.  

As a good friend said "I keep my blog as family record."  I am going to move forward with this.  It is my hope that others will not take anything personally or make assumptions of the things I write here about my family, or myself, for nothing I do is because of others.  If you have a question or need clarification - ASK!